Gracie Girl Blog

Before Reading: Throughout 2019 I wrote out thoughts and realizations whenever I remembered to be expectant (my word for the year). I know they don’t all connect or make sense but I like that the progression of the year is laid out on a page. I hope you enjoy reading and that this encourages you to lean in and be expectant of God. 

January 

I opened to the first page of a devotional I wasn’t sure I even wanted to read. It was a day where the reality of graduation and college had become stressful and scary. The second sentence jumped off the page to grab my heart: “Some of my children have forgotten how to hope.” I had forgotten how to hope, I had begun to expect disappointment from God, and this needed to change.

February 

I began the month mad at God again.

March

I’m blown away by the goodness of God and how he gives me good things when I least expect it.

–

It’s all fun and games until you have to sit across from someone you love and watch them suffer and ask them heartbreaking questions. The devil works hard but God works harder, I’m holding on to that.

—

Saying goodbye too soon has to be one of the most heartbreaking things. I’m doubting the goodness of God when it comes to my life.

April 

two phrases keep recurring in my life.

“I know my redeemer lives”

and

“won’t He do it”

May

A quote from Ann Voskamp hit me hard:

 “When your heart decides to move into God, you are always given what you’re really hoping for: more of God”

I wonder if being expectant of God is less about receiving good things from Him, and more about finding and knowing Him more than I ever have. It’s beautiful and frustrating at the same time.

September 

I’ve made it to college and Tuesday night I was reminded (the first time since I got to campus) to be expectant. Doubt is a super easy thing for me to jump to- doubting I’ll make lasting friendships, that I’ll find my place here. That I won’t get burned again. Looking back at the first half of this year- a few challenging things happened and some of that hurt unexpectedly came back up.

But so far, college has been better than I expected. God continues to give me good things whether I expect them or not.

—

I had a conversation with my friend Rachel and she started talking about how you should only lay expectations on God. We can desire things of earthly or manmade entities, but God is the only one we can really lay expectation on.

—

I just moved some stuff around under my bed and made a prayer fort. I need a physical place to meet God and for God to meet me. I need to write my prayers out so I can see them. This looks and feels like a physical representation of being expectant of God.

November

My prayer fort has at least 20 sticky-notes on it of prayers. A place to physically meet God has been good for my heart.

–

I’m currently home for Thanksgiving and I can’t believe my year of being expectant is almost over (and after this year comes a lifetime). God truly blew my expectations of first semester out of the water. I have a better circle of friends and community than I could ever have hoped for myself. Some days I feel stagnant but most days I know I’m being pushed to grow in my faith. I’m learning God is steady and gives me a steadiness. I’m learning to choose to lean on him more and more.

December

It’s crazy how in a few months a new, unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people becomes home. I don’t know if I have any breakthrough-type thoughts but something that’s been coming to mind recently is God has yet to let me down. That’s always been true. Sometimes it really doesn’t feel true, but looking back on how He’s worked things out over my life and especially in these last few months, I believe it is. Thinking about that helps me to be expectant.

Conclusion

2019 – my year of expectancy. I began this year not knowing where I was going to college, not knowing how life would change, not knowing what I’d face, but knowing God is God. The quote I wrote down in May holds true, I’ve drawn closer to God in this whole effort to be expectant and that alone is a blessing.

Elevation Worship’s song “Do it Again” seems to have become the song that defines my recent years and specifically the words “But You have never failed me yet” come back again and again.

This year was hard. My college decision took up a lot of time and energy. I lost another leader and friend I thought would stick around longer. I had to distance myself from a close friend. I traveled a lot over the summer but that also came with feelings of anxiousness in new places that I needed to acknowledge and deal with.

But man, was this year sweet. I graduated. I spent more time with friends than I ever have. I watched God work on me, draw close to me, and change my heart. Especially since going to college, I lean on people more. I call friends and family more. I’m slowly breaking down the part of me that says I need no one and should depend only on myself. I’ve made some of the best friends who have become family. These life-giving relationships I honestly didn’t even have to courage to ask God for (because I am not perfect at being expectant), but He gives me good things anyway.

I’m honest on here and I talk a lot about when things are hard. I was convicted recently that all these painful, even heartbreaking things, can roll off my back because I know my Savior and I’m learning that’s enough (a hard lesson let me tell ya). Of course, this year was hard, every year is in its own way. I’m realizing life probably doesn’t get easier from here on out. But it can always get sweeter, quieter, more joyful, and more full of the good things God gives.

John 16:33 says:

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

2020 will not be a flawless year because we live in a flawed world. But God still gives and He will continue to give.

Maybe 2020 is your year of being expectant of God.

Maybe it’s your year of receiving what He gives.

Whatever goals you set I hope we can all say of this next year that despite the challenges, it was sweet.

Happy New Year, friends.