Gracie Girl Blog

“Let Him turn it in your favor,

Watch Him work it for your good

He’s not done with what He’s started

He’s not done until its good.“

Fear Is Not My Future, Maverick City Music

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At the very beginning of the summer, I wrote “there is joy here!!!” on the letter board in my bedroom, to help me remember that there is joy in the in-between seasons like college summers. Little did I know this summer would stretch and test me like no other.

I have a herniated disc in my back that I probably hurt sometime in late April (I think when getting off a horse), but I waited for the pain to become unbearable before getting it check out. That point came about 2 weeks into my summer job and internship. I hated to take off work so early, hated to come across as anything but a hard-worker, but it was needed. Honestly, those few days were a gift and gave me a chance to rest, which I did not give myself between ending my junior year of college and beginning my summer job.

I began physical therapy, but was still in a lot of pain on a daily basis. A lot of times, on the verge of tears on my way to work because sitting for the 10 minute drive hurt so bad.

I was doing both barn chores and my in-office internship, and didn’t quite connect the fact that continuing barn chores was preventing me from healing until one Thursday I ended up mucking a ton of stalls pretty quickly in 90 degree heat. I woke up the Friday after in the most physical pain I have ever experience. Moving slightly sent sharp pain down my back and leg, all I could do is lay on my stomach and even that hurt some.

I spent that weekend laying on my stomach, practicing my least favorite activity – asking for help. I couldn’t stand or walk for more than a few minutes. Sitting hurt the most so driving was out of the question. I’m so thankful for the friends who made me food, brought me food, hung out with me, and drove my to appointments. It was tough making the call to stay in Blacksburg, but I’m glad I did.

Pain reveals a lot – it shows where your heart really is. While my hope remained in God, my anger was at him too. For the first time ever, I understood what it felt like to experience something debilitating. Basic self care like cleaning my room, taking a shower, or making a meal took an immense amount of effort and I had no choice but to push through the pain.

The crazy thing about the brain is it blocks out that type of pain as fast as possible. I hardly remember the week now but I do know when I was living it, it felt like it would never end.

Still, I can already seen some of what the Lord was doing when he let me injure my back. For one, it led me to quit barn chores full stop, and if I hadn’t, I don’t know if I ever would connected that they were keeping me from healing. I’ve made a lot of appointments myself and navigated how to communicate with a boss about having to take time off. I’m really thankful for finding a doctor and physical therapist I like in Blacksburg.

It all was pretty tough, I don’t want to sugar coat it, and I’m still working to strengthen my back so this doesn’t happen again. I’ve learned that pushing through pain might not be the asset I thought it was. This summer I heard a pastor say that God is in the business of always giving us more than we can handle, and that for sure felt true this summer. As I was stuck laying down in the worst pain of my life, I wanted to rip down the “there is joy here !!!” sign I so naively put up. It felt like a sick joke God was playing on me, to let me put it up knowing what I’d be facing a few weeks later.

But there is joy here. I get to look back knowing I made it through the thick of pain. Surprisingly, this is the first serious riding-related injury I’ve had in my 10 years of horses, and I’m thankful for that.

I’m thankful for sweet friends here.

For small town church services and morning walks.

For the farmer’s market and Andy, the cat we were watching for the summer.

For getting to ride Drama and calm down in a place that is usually so busy.

For late sunsets and new music and good movies.

For Blacksburg, a town I never thought would feel fully mine yet here I am, with only one year left and already dreading the goodbye.

There is joy here.