Gracie Girl Blog

When I told God I’d give Him everything and give up control, I do not know if I really meant it. I mean, I thought I meant it. But what I really was thinking was “I’ll give up control of the things that are hurting me in my life. Sure God, take away that toxic relationship, that pain I’ve needed to let go of, heck, take away this mountain of homework while you’re at it.”

I thought God would only ask me to do moderately radical things. Love that friend who ticks me off. Not gossip when I’m the one who really knows the details. Maybe say hi to someone I don’t know. Do not get me wrong, these are great things! But I was kidding myself if I thought that is ALL God would ask me to do.

God knows our hearts. He knows our every thought and He sure as heck knows what we tend to hold back from him. Sometimes, it’s in little ways God weans us off what is holding us back from loving others like He loves us. Slowly, but surely, we learn to let go of whatever we’ve been holding onto. Other times, it’s in what feels like a split second He asks you to let go.

When I’m riding, I have a tendency to hold the reins to tight and drop my hands down. My instinct when something isn’t going quite right is to pull back. This causes all sorts of problems. Your horse doesn’t jump as well because it’s confused about whether it should stop or not, both of you are off balance, it really throws things off. To let go and release is a lesson I’m still learning. When a horse isn’t behaving, the LAST thing you want to do is give up what feels like more control.

Here’s the kicker, a tighter hold on the reins does not mean more control. That horse is strong enough to break and pull through those reins at any point, loose or tight hold. What tends to happen to me when I hold too tight is I get pulled forward, losing the power of my seat (butt and legs for you non-horse people) and giving the horse the opportunity to basically pull me around the ring.

Sometimes, I learn to loosen the reins gradually, start trusting my instructor, and trusting my horse. Other times, it’s a split second of falling through the air and hitting the ground hard that teaches me the lesson. The latter event hurts more, but you learn that lesson quick and are almost forced to trust.

That split second can be and feel like a lot of things, not just falling off a horse. For me, it was a Sunday night at 10:30pm after getting home from visiting a close friend’s college. Suddenly, almost everything I had been holding onto for as long as I can remember was going to possibly be taken away.

The dream of graduating with all my best friends next to me.

The possibility that I’d also live 40 minutes from these best friends.

The house I have lived in for over 12 years. (the literal house that built me)

The neighborhood that holds so many memories and my second family across the street.

(This one hurts to write) My Young Life fam.

The comfort of being at the same school for 4 years. Instead, switching schools in the middle of high school.

These are all things I didn’t realize I was holding back from God. But these are all areas of my life I hold on really, really tight to. So when my parents told me there was a big chance we’d be moving, I freaked knowing everything that makes me comfortable, and many things and people I love, would be farther away or non-existant anymore.

I’d love to say I pulled a Rory Gilmore, made a pro/con list, and am now feeling great about the fact that we are moving in August. But that just isn’t the case. This is hard. This feels like a tough fall with bruises that haven’t gone away yet. It’s made me question my faith. It’s hard to trust in the God who also seems to be taking all these things away.

Something one of my good friends/mentors asked me put things into perspective a little more. She asked: How many of the best things in your life did you see coming? 

I honestly can’t think of one thing. Wyoming being my favorite place ever? Didn’t see that coming. The friends I have now? I didn’t plan that. My puppy Mack? Nope, didn’t anticipate that either. Where I am in my riding? I honestly never thought I’d find a place that felt like home, but I have. I could go on and on…

The point is, although it’s hard to believe right now, God is calling me to a new place for a good reason. I may not understand until after we move, I may not understand until I graduate, I may not understand ever while living on this earth (so I’ll just have to ask Him in heaven, along with “Why is my  younger sister taller than me?”). But God has never failed to bless me, and there is no reason He’s going to stop now.

Maybe you need to take a moment and be thankful for where you are right now. The little things, your home, the sunset, the weather, the obnoxious daily annoyances that make life interesting. Maybe you are in a season of change, not sure where you are going and scared by the fact that you can’t go back. Look back at the best things in your life and trust that there are so many beautiful things yet to come.

Here are some verses that I am trying to focus on during this crazy time of life:

Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. 

Psalm 51:12

Cast you cares on the LORD and He will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

Psalm 55:22

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.

Matthew 28:20

He (God) says, “Be still and know that I am God;

 I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth.”

-Psalm 46:10