Gracie Girl Blog

Before Reading: I wrote this and edited it throughout 2018, when I realized I was listening to a lot of lies and wrongfully believing them. I became anxious and fearful when it came to riding, despite me always feeling good after hopping on a horse. Really this post was written to help me recognize what was going on in my brain and how I could change it. I hope it challenges you to look at what role fear plays in your life, and what lies you may be believing. ❤ 

fear is just a liar running out of breath. 

“Not Today”- Hillsong Worship

If you stopped riding, you wouldn’t miss it.

Choose an easier career.

Something’s gonna go horribly wrong today.

You’re an awful rider.

You’ll never know what you’re doing.

You’re constantly disappointing people.

What do all those phrases have in common? They are LIES the devil would love for me to believe. Well not today, or anyday, satan.

I experienced a shift this year from putting everything I have into school and caring so much about my grades, to putting most of me into riding. The problem with both these things? They aren’t God and will leave me empty at some point or another. The good thing about this? I’ve stopped defining my worth by test grades.

I’ve began to take riding more seriously this year. I ride about four times a week, I do squats everyday to strengthen my legs, I push myself when I’m practicing to increase my endurance. These are all good things, and riding is SO important in my life, but it can never be number one.

The lies started to get to me, making me nervous and anxious before riding even the most familiar and trustworthy horse. Going to the barn began to feel like a chore, not a privilege. I felt like I lost the spark I had when I first learned to ride.

This hit me at camp this year. Leaving the barn the day before camp was so much harder than I thought. I got a lump in my throat, I realized just how much I love the horses and just being out there. I take it for granted. During the week, I didn’t think about home much, but one night we were asked what’s number one in our lives. I guess the “church answer” would be Jesus or family, but I realized that while Jesus, family and friends are truly the most important to me, riding takes up the most space in my life right now. But not just riding, it’s fear taking up a lot of space in my life right now. Space I don’t have to give fear.

Driving to the barn for my first lesson after camp, a lot of the lies I mentioned in the beginning were sneaking in. I wondered if I should even keep riding, I didn’t miss it *that* much. red flag right there. 

The anxiety that’s become familiar snuck up before I got on, BUT just like always, I had a good ride. Actually, I had a GREAT ride. I was almost brought to tears walking back to the barn because of how thankful I am for horses and my sport.

Maybe I could stop riding, choose an easier career or life path. I’d be fine so long as I never encountered horses in my life again. I’d be fine until someone mentioned something about how they ride or how their kids ride and I’d have to say “Oh I used to ride” and I’d have to face the fact that I’d become a person I never wanted to be, someone who let expectations and fear derail their dreams. Someone who stopped doing what they loved.

It’s a constant battle to keep Jesus at the front of my life and give him the most space in my heart, but when I do, my life is ultimately better and more joyful. It’s a constant battle to shut out the lies, and if I’m being honest I haven’t completely learned how yet, but I’m getting there. Maybe the first step is just recognizing the lies as lies.

God isn’t a God of nervousness, anxiety, or fear. God is present when I’m afraid. And fear doesn’t get to call any shots in my life anymore.

But now, this is what the LORD says-

he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:1-2